Over the last, however many days it has been since I started battling these injection site infections, the days have rolled and blended together into one large amorphous mass. Right now, it seems I am having difficulty distinguishing one day from the others. I did come up for air a couple of times to make a few phone calls and exchange emails with the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. I have copied and pasted an excerpt from one of my responses. It appears a bit later in this post.
At some point, I awoke from a very deep sleep with an uncontrollable compulsion to write this post along with a page under this same title. I came out of a very strange dream. In the dream, I was in bed battling raging injection site infections yet I was still working from my laptop. I had connected it via a very long HDMI cable to the TV that is in our bedroom. My blogs and the dashboard from which I control them both simultaneously appeared before me on the TV screen. In the dashboard, the infinite scroll feature was locked. All of my titles were flying past me at warp speed on the large screen in front of me. I had a wired mouse connected to my laptop, and I was desperately trying to copy, paste, and reassemble my titles in the order that I thought they should be. But infinite scroll was locked and I couldn’t get it unlocked. I couldn’t even copy any of the pages because they were flying by so fast! All I could do was sit and watch helplessly as my titles flew by me on the screen. When I came out of that dream, I was absolutely compelled to write this post and the page that accompanies it. I was still very weak and exhausted so I had to start very slowly. I started by surfing the internet to find an appropriate image of a heart. I found something close, then added in the glow.
Every page in my blogs is somehow related to my MS, whether or not the relevance is immediately apparent to the reader. In MSAngel.org, I am writing volumes about things people with MS can do to ease the difficult journey ahead of them. Much of this information is useful to everyone, such as a lot of great money and time-saving tips. I am writing page after page about the people who have helped along the way as well as page after page of all the rotten things this illness has done to me and the ways I have come up with to deal with each and every occurrence The list of people who have helped along the way includes everyone from family members and friends to medical professionals from many different specialties. I am reaching all the way out to police helicopter pilots who, once upon a time, when I was in the midst of an exacerbation, lifted me out of harm’s way. They were from the San Diego County Sheriff’s office. They did not know it at the time, but I was in bad shape that day due to my MS, much worse than I admitted to at the time. I think it has only now come to their awareness because I have always done such a great job of denying and hiding my condition. But now it is time to let the light shine upon it so that I may reach out to help others with this same affliction. I write about the helicopter pilots in a forthcoming page in my blog, MSAngel.org. I am calling that page Helicopter Heroes.
I think the dream meant that my story has already been written; I have no control over what the MS is going to do to me. I have no idea from what angle it will next approach. But I do have complete control over how I handle what it does to me. This latest episode is going to be under a page that I am calling MSAngel Emerges, which will be in MSAngel.org. Both blogs will exist at the same time, for a while at least, and I will be referring back to lifetransformedblog.com from MSAngel.org so that other people with MS can get an idea of what this entire process has been about.
Here is the excerpt from an email communication with the National Multiple Sclerosis Society (NMSS):
I am beginning to emerge from this latest MS ‘lesson’. I want to start that support group as discussed by Ashley in the email below. I am using this quiet time to develop my new blog, MSAngel.org. I want to work with the Support Group Trainer to tailor the new blog to the exact needs of patients at this moment, using my own personal experiences as examples.
The feeling of desolation I experienced when Dr. Pepperell told me that I am picking up infection from the gym was soul-crushing. I wanted an angel. That is the call I want to answer through my own efforts under MSAngel.org.
I am very fit now, and I want people to actually see what the MSAngel looks like. If I am carrying a message of hope and wellness, then I must look the part. MSAngel.org, the blog, will have my picture on the cover. There is an entry forthcoming in lifetransformedblog.com. It is in a page called Heart Illuminated. It is not what you may think. It’s another moment of inspiration when a Cirque du Soleil performer came into the audience and stood right next to me. He held a giant glowing heart over his head. I studied his body, admiring his perfect physique. I was transfixed on him, because I looked at every muscle in his body as he held that glowing heart over his head. I was awed by the fact that there was not a sign of fatigue at all. Not a tremor, not a shake, not a twitch. Not a thing. He stood in absolute perfect stillness. You have to be very strong to do that. I remember thinking how I wanted that for myself. Right now, I am training for my cover photo by holding a ten pound medicine ball above my head in the same way that performer did. When I reach a certain point, I am going to do it standing on a bosu ball. My cover photo will be of me wearing a red angel wing T-shirt, holding a lighted red heart over my head while standing on a bosu ball. I am currently designing my own prop and engaging the services of a photographer. (The symbolism of any person with MS standing on a bosu ball is enormous. If I had been able to do that back in March of 2012, I probably would not have broken my leg due to being thrown off balance.)
I will be going from business to business in my own MSAngel attire asking for sponsorship for the MS Walk.
MS Angel – Messenger of Hope for People with MS
Note: Heart Illuminated does carry with it an additional meaning, one other than an inspiration for a cover photo. I’m guessing that the other meaning requires no further elucidation, given the context of this entire blog and the one that is currently under development.